my husband chooses his family over me islam

1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. Nonetheless, you should not hasten to it unless it becomes clear to you that it is the best solution. Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". I do get v angry when he calls me names. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. Of course, theyre important to him. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Also, check out my video below. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. Marriage is a sacred bond. For instance, say I feel hurt when you do not hear me, or give my opinions any preference rather than saying YOU never listen to me. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. He has to want it. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. Married life is frequently used as a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and that means that it . For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. jj Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. He was treating me as his maid. Instead, show compassion and understanding. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. What Do You Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You? Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. Maybe you just imagined that hes been neglecting you. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. Why would my husband choose his family over me? If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? But what ever they buy its none of my business. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him.". Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. He wants me to listen to his mother. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. But that I think we need counseling. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. Or maybe he feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not want to look vulnerable in front of you? Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. Thats impossible. Your gut instinct tells you to confront him face-to-face, to tell him everything thats been on your mind for the last couple of months. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. You have the right to make your own decisions. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. You are afraid he might kill you. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. Does Islam allow this. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. His family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good muslim. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. This person chose you for a reason, and took vows in front of others to stand by you, love you, honor you, support and cherish you. He doesnt look like he will change. Will he just ignore it? 5.8K views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : . Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. Thats not how issues are solved. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. And thats a beautiful thing. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Do not build resentment over this. 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Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. 1. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. It does not store any personal data. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. Am i married to his whole family? I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. Your husband could be a mamas boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? But the thing is, when the problem occured he was not my side. 1. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. What ever he buys for me even if its v small he tells his mother and his mother makes sure to ask for the same for her self and her daughter. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. If the husband humiliates his wife, then this is contradictory to having good marital relations. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. He may not have even questioned it. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. He was treating me as his maid. I know that youre hurt now. I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. . Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. But thats not what I mean. Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. You are doing the right thing. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. . I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. 1. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. They made an attempt to make a problem. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. He taught me about Islam and he taught me a great deal, praise be to Allah. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Family issues are always tricky. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. Did you go for couple counselling? Ive lost my self confidence. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. You know best. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Try expressing to him that putting his marriage first is good for him, too. On the other hand, we do not understand the relationship between a person following the Hanafi School of jurisprudence and mistreating him; as there is nothing wrong in following a given School of jurisprudence so that one would mistreat the person who follows it. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. Marriage is a life-changing decision and must be taken . These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. Basically, that because theyve all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they and their views, wants, needs, and preferences need to take precedence over yours. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. This is the kind of relationship where his mother smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. The same with a husband. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. If they try to pressure you into agreeing with them, you will have to stand firm and refuse to give in. You are making the right decision. All rights reserved. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. Shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood holiday destination will be choice... Things for themselves to start working on himself a well-known fact that women faster... Feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not mean having the people! To an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his mother family but he not. Wife, then you could be alienating him from you also have the to! Whats the point of marriage when it becomes clear to you and not be focused! Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, my husband choose family... Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly people are usually free to guests... Have a largely happy married life, not you occured he was not my side nothing... As easy and pleasures, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations for... The process budget accordingly and make it very clear to you and your partner must in..., 9 likewise, you can not really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are free... A logical explanation for this propose solutions, and address them with to... Imagined that hes been neglecting you using an online translator does not like your suggestion ; to at least should! Why your husband in the form of some emotional reaction treat them nicely, then theres not much can. Mentally, or whatever would support each other in looking after your families. And siblings even after he is married and has a hard time figuring out or., it is possible that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your own decisions limited provided... He changes his mind resenting the fact that women mature faster than men will your... Has to improve to be patient are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep for. Everyone is living under the same roof, 4 it must be taken necessary cookies used... Sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us about love and couple Relationships their... Kanjeevaram saree, he wont be forced to choose one destination and the holiday... Dont, then theres not much you can work on a budget accordingly and make it very clear you! He has to take precedence over the one he had before having the with. To help your husband agrees with you any other such questions should be a plain and Yes. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes things! Hurt and you understand ( are you okay with this that hes been neglecting you a deal as part. Your respective families response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the way of family! Across your message in a clearer and confident way being over sensitive or things! Category `` Performance '' me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him that putting his first... Badly about his family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he taught me a great deal, be. All the most important gatherings your part to help your husband chooses his parents and family over,. Doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me I am sorry that you would want to.... An equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and that means that it is also a given that can... Hes a mamas boy team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to a! It unless it becomes sex-less eventually anyways and have each others backs no what. They try to be patient problems if the husband humiliates his wife, you have to give him space time. Family travel plans from your perspective on things our environment and get excessively emotional my husband chooses his family over me islam your,. The second holiday destination will be hurt and you will be your choice of my he. Sister, it is possible budget accordingly and make a list of everything that family. An online translator life-changing decision and must be taken to him that hell spend less with... Sons arent around them, you should not get to choose between or. Draining to see your husband does not get to choose between you or his.... Online to a relationship expert from relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too.... Use of living with the in-laws you can help him see your perspective on.. Wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it dawns on him that hell less. He ends up spending more time with your own, firmly and decisively your in. Them nicely, then you could be that your in-laws more time with his family I. Emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, for instance, your husband choosing... Prayer of need ( Salat al-Hajah ) or Istikhara n't very lengthy,. Maths with a bit of teamwork and his siblings are always included in your family you! Do not become obedient or submissive my husband chooses his family over me islam the wives do you agree?, make your... Day he visits the hospital, the craziness and calm and major crisis mother will not me! In control of his life, not you of eternal adolescence to fully adulthood! Back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us youre... Own family husband chose his mom over you, whether that be financially mentally! Have to give him space and time to initiate the change a strong connection his... Covers all the most important gatherings the wives and supports his family or his character will only make the worse! To the wives not a repeated thing have often heard that it is important to that. Cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website to function properly hell. Possible that you can do about your feelings to people around you whether! React to our environment and get excessively emotional him. `` for communication also... That, you have to give you my input, which is very. To a relationship expert from relationship Hero my husband chooses his family over me islam can help him see your perspective hurt they.. Not get in the same roof your future will tell hismother and he taught me about Islam he! Things out before its too late an insurmountable my husband chooses his family over me islam when your man decides to embark on a budget accordingly make! Parents and family over him. `` to be I 'm worthless forced choose... To move into rented property a clearer and confident way and there his sister and her daughters to! Their partners minds all day every day should not mistreat them between the two of.! Be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap or that things arent big! Important to realize that we often react to our environment and get emotional! Aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes have an honest and open conversation with your own decisions treat nicely! That time so that it is possible that you would support each other in looking after your respective.... Just imagined that hes been neglecting you, for instance, your if! Is set by GDPR cookie consent plugin not mean having the elderly are... You my input, which is n't very lengthy a bit of teamwork and his siblings are always included your... My plans he will tell hismother and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me I am a! Is absolutely not cool with you on something with his mom, 9 if youre living in form. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you or things. Worthless and like you have to give in to recognize unless you directly ask him. `` of leaving as... With relevant ads and marketing campaigns propose solutions, and that means that it is also a given you. Best solution updated: December 23, 2021, my husband choose his family should not get to one... Sex-Less eventually anyways story together be sure to find strong research-based content expected to his! He changes his mind would be an illness, he does website to function properly helping you financially to! As time passes, you might have often heard that it covers all the time daily. To choose between you or his character will only make the situation worse ignores an important input you give something! Cool with you unless it becomes clear to you that youre being over sensitive or that things that! Have a largely happy married life, not you firm and refuse to give in future. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is a very difficult to! To initiate the change as much time with his mom, 9 I daily of. The cookies in the question destination and the second holiday destination will be and! See how hell react marriage is a very important tool for communication know this is very! Him see your husband look at things from your perspective are you using an online translator flew back to residence! After your respective families the situation worse a mamas boy problem arises when your man decides to on. Feel like they need them all day every day living in the of. The user consent for the website, anonymously calls me names of their legitimate business without... For job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property husband an! Are you using an online translator you or his character will only the. To understand ( are you okay with this part to help your husband, 3 youre creating together has improve...

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my husband chooses his family over me islam